


Fine Dwarven Crafts, Direct From Boatmurdered

by Snarp



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Comedy, Drabble, F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 16:40:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15392982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snarp/pseuds/Snarp
Summary: DORFWARDEN AEDUCAN: hey gorim do you have any jewelry that is like nugsDORFWARDEN: like a ring with a fucking nug on thereGORIM: Well, let's see...DORFWARDEN: i think you need to give humans you're gonna marry rings is the thing it needs to be a really good nug ringA collection of short scenes involving Warden Aeducan behaving badly.





	Fine Dwarven Crafts, Direct From Boatmurdered

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [on Tumblr in February 2015](https://snarp.tumblr.com/tagged/dragon-age-origins-fanfic/chrono). I have applied a Homestuck work skin because I think it's funny.

DORFWARDEN AEDUCAN: hey gorim do you have any jewelry that is like nugs

DORFWARDEN: like a ring with a fucking nug on there

GORIM: Well, let's see...

DORFWARDEN: i think you need to give humans you're gonna marry rings is the thing it needs to be a really good nug ring

WYNNE: Are you genuinely planning to propose to that young woman with a ring with a nug engraving?

DORFWARDEN: fuck you wynne she likes nugs and this shit is romantic as BALLS

SHALE: As the recognized expert at mortal romance that I am, I approve of this plan. It will certainly lead to many fleshy squishy noises that will make Alistair sad.

GORIM: I'm sorry, my Lady Aeducan, but it doesn't look like we've got any. We have a lot of these elephants in fetal positions, however - if you'll be in town for a few days, we could get one altered?

DORFWARDEN: okay lemme see those

  


* * *

  


DORFWARDEN: hey old human, who lives in that castle over there, and also is it full of fuckin monsters i am supposed to kill

DENNIS: I’m thirty-seven, I’m not old!

DORFWARDEN: oh my god i am SO SICK of being in a bioware game i do NOT need that information, i mean they didn’t even give you a unique facial mesh, just answer my goddamn monster castle question WITHOUT giving me your name and age and a bunch of details about your local government and your opinions thereupon

MORRIGAN: (+15 Approval)

  


* * *

  


LELIANA: Beloved, don't you have another shield?

DORFWARDEN: yeah a few

DORFWARDEN: why

LELIANA: I'd feel better if you used your nice new silverite one, is all. It's. Heavier! I worry about your safety.

DORFWARDEN: why

DORFWARDEN: you think we're gonna be fighting shit in my awesome enlightened home city that's the best city in the whole FUCKING world

ALISTAIR: i think that actually yes

DORFWARDEN: man shut up

LELIANA: Isn't that the shield with the Aeducan clan arms on it?

DORFWARDEN: no

SHALE: Yes.

DORFWARDEN: maybe??? who cares

LELIANA: A lot of dwarves, I think! What are you going to say when they ask you about it?

DORFWARDEN: god

DORFWARDEN: what the fuck do you think i'm going to say

DORFWARDEN: "my dad sent me this ancient family heirloom as he lay on his deathbed cuz he belatedly recognized my brother's treachery and TOTALLY wished he'd made me his heir when he had the chance"

DORFWARDEN: "thus throwing a huge explosive fucked-up kink into this whole shitty war of succession we're supposed to be delicately negotiating as neutral parties"

DORFWARDEN: "i'm the heir it's me"

DORFWARDEN: "suck it bhetch"

SHALE: "Bhetch?"

DORFWARDEN: yeah i combined bhelen's name with bitch there

SHALE: I understood what it did, yes. It wasn't a very good thing.

ALISTAIR: isn't that a slur on the poor dog

DORFWARDEN: no he's a boy dog

LELIANA: I think we've established that you know that this is a bad idea, right?

DORFWARDEN: i have a lot of bad ideas

DORFWARDEN: like

DORFWARDEN: this morning

DORFWARDEN: i pretended like i was gonna feed zevran's boot to the dog cause he was being a dickhead

DORFWARDEN: and now there's something sharp poking my neck and i'm kind of nauseous so i think he put poison on a pin or some shit

LELIANA: Please hold still and let me check your collar.

DORFWARDEN: no!

LELIANA: Please do not carry your clan shield into the city with you.

DORFWARDEN: fuck this i was not gonna i was gonna be responsible!

DORFWARDEN: i was just gonna quietly ask bodahn to hang onto it tonight without needing to be asked like a responsible adult who isn't magma-level-hotness mad at literally every single fucking person we're gonna be talking to over the next couple weeks

LELIANA: Hold still and stop swinging your arms so I can check your collar!

ALISTAIR: all right but if that is settled

ALISTAIR: the thing with the shield of problems if that SPECIFIC thing is settled

ALISTAIR: is it a good idea for shale to come

DORFWARDEN: it's a GREAT idea

ALISTAIR: no honestly are there bad diplomatic ramifications to the ancient golem just walking in there and being extremely rude to people as she's certainly going to be

ALISTAIR: or would that be a GOOD thing somehow???

ALISTAIR: i don't know anything about dwarves

ALISTAIR: or anything

SHALE: It is a very good idea. I excel at diplomacy of certain specific varieties.

DORFWARDEN: and i can sit on top of you when we see bhelen right

DORFWARDEN: all glare down at him from high up

DORFWARDEN: "thought you'd seen the last of me bhetch"

SHALE: No.

LELIANA: No.

ALISTAIR: i think it has potential though

DORFWARDEN: i knew you would back me up on this man thanks

  


* * *

  


ALISTAIR: so

ALISTAIR: are we going to support your brother or the other one

DORFWARDEN: ugh

ALISTAIR: you must have thought about this

DORFWARDEN: dude you suck fuck off

SHALE: I, too, am very excited to hear its clear-minded and impartial opinion of this situation.

DORFWARDEN: shale

DORFWARDEN: shale

DORFWARDEN: what do you call it when a rock is full of shit

SHALE: Coprolite, yes? Potentially bituminous coal or lignite, though I assume it's rare for it to form in precisely that manner.

DORFWARDEN: right exactly but you also though

ALISTAIR: as loath as i am to interrupt this high-minded conversation could you please tell me what we're doing here

DORFWARDEN: dude you've been standing right fucking behind me every awful fucking conversation i've had

DORFWARDEN: you tell me

ALISTAIR: i don't know i don't know anything about dwarves

DORFWARDEN: yeah weirdly i didn't know anything about humans until like a few fucking months ago

DORFWARDEN: yet somehow man

DORFWARDEN: SOMEHOW

ALISTAIR: are you going to finish that sentence

DORFWARDEN: what sentence

ALISTAIR: the one you started with "somehow"

DORFWARDEN: fuck you

DORFWARDEN: no

DORFWARDEN: hey alistair are you fucking KING yet

ALISTAIR: no???

LELIANA: Dear…

ALISTAIR: what why are you mad at me

DORFWARDEN: no i'm not mad i was just fucking CHECKING

DORFWARDEN: checking whether you are FUCKING KING YET

LELIANA: This isn't helping, darling.

ALISTAIR: no why is she mad at me??????

LELIANA: Alistair, maybe you should not press this subject further. This is just a suggestion.

ALISTAIR: the subject of what decision we are going to make to get out of here and defeat the darkspawn??? it's an important subject

LELIANA: Alistair, please think -

SHALE: Impossible. Yet fear not, second Warden, for I shall be the one to decide with whose lot we shall throw in in this terribly fraught situation. I came here prepared, as its personal golem must be, to take responsibility where it is too cowardly and sentimental to do so.

LELIANA: Shale!

DORFWARDEN: good good who we gonna FUCKING side with shale

SHALE: Coprolite.

DORFWARDEN: like we find a golem made of coprolite

SHALE: No.

  


* * *

  


CARIDIN: There. It is done. Give it to whom you will. I do not wish to hear their name, or anything more of them.

ALISTAIR: oh, we're just going to put it on top of a rock and say it's king, apparently

DORFWARDEN: shut the FUCK up alistair GOD

ALISTAIR: sorry bad assumption are we going to say the rock's QUEEN


End file.
